Just like last year, I attended the 2013 Entry Draft in Toronto, and like last year I managed to record the draft as it really happened, not what was broadcast after the fact. Here’s the transcript of what they don’t want you to hear:
George Daniel: Good evening and welcome to the 2013 National Lacrosse League entry draft, held here at the beautiful Toronto Rock Athletic Centre in Oakville. Thanks to Jamie Dawick and the whole Toronto Rock crew for hosting this event and yesterday’s combine. And thanks also for all the Toronto Rock branded swag you provided. However as the commissioner, I’m not really supposed to wear stuff with one team’s logo, so I’ll have to return the T-shirts and polo shirts and hats and lanyards and sweat pants and shorts and socks and jackets and toques and mitts and scarves and the parka.
Jamie Dawick: But you can keep the boxers, since nobody will know you’re wearing them!
Daniel: Good point! All right, let’s move on to the first pick. John, you’re up.
John Arlotta: Thanks George. With the first pick, the Minnesota Swarm pick…. Mark Matthews!
Daniel: That ain’t funny, man.
Derek Keenan: Well, it’s a little funny.
Arlotta: OK, sorry. Couldn’t resist. I think everyone knows this already, but we’ll take Logan Schuss.
Daniel: Great. Once again, the Minnesota Swarm is on the clock. I have a feeling I’ll be saying that a lot this evening.
Arlotta: With the second pick, we’ll take Jason Noble. Hey, did you know he has a twin brother who’ll be available next year? We should totally try and get him too. How cool would that be – twin brothers on the same team? That’s probably an NLL first.
Daniel: I don’t know… I have this vague memory of these twin brothers… Ah, never mind. I don’t think they were any good anyway. Steve, you’re next.
Steve Dietrich: OK. Anyone named Smith available? I have a collection.
Daniel: <looks at piece of paper in his hand> IL Indoor says no. And I meant Govett, not you. You don’t have a pick until halfway through the second round.
Dietrich: Oh right. I was just askin’.
Steve Govett: We have that Belanger guy in net but we need a solid backup. We’ll take Dillon Ward.
Bob Hamley: What about Dan Lewis? He didn’t do too badly last year and he’s young.
Govett: Who?
Daniel: The next pick belongs to the Edmonton Rush. Derek?
Arlotta: Wait, Derek! We want that pick too! We’ll give you our next pick and… um… Ryan Benesch! Oh, wait. <grabs piece of paper, looks at it for a second> Nik Bilic!
Joe Sullivan: Wait, don’t –
Keenan: Done!
Arlotta: Woo! Another first round pick!
Sullivan: John, we didn’t gain any picks. We just moved up one position. And we lost a good player to do it.
Arlotta: But… first round!
Sullivan: Never mind. George, we’ll take Cam Flint.
Daniel: Right. Derek, it’s your turn, unless Mr. Arlotta…
Arlotta: <looks at Joe Sullivan>
Sullivan: <shakes head>
Arlotta: <head drooping> No.
Keenan: Well, we’re pretty weak with lefty offensive players, so maybe we’ll… Oh wait, no we’re not because we have Mark Freakin’ Matthews! So we’ll take a strong righty like Robert Church. Hey George, you may as well just give us the Championship Trophy now. It’ll save time.
Curt Styres: Now wait just a second there.
Daniel: Come on Derek, you know it doesn’t work like that anymore. Remember those years we gave it to Calgary before the playoffs and had to take it back? Let’s play the season first.
Keenan: Whatever.
Daniel: Speaking of Calgary, Mike, it’s your turn.
Mike Board: Thanks for bringing that up George. You made Curt cry. It’s OK Curt, he didn’t mean it. How about if I get Tor Reinholdt for you? Would that make you feel better?
Curt Malawsky: <silently nods>
Board: All right then, we’ll take Tor Reinholdt.
Daniel: Sorry Curt, I did promise I wouldn’t bring that up again, didn’t I? Let’s just put that behind us and move on. Back to John.
Arlotta: Another first round pick! This is so exciting. Joe, pick someone.
Sullivan: All right, we’ve got offense with Schuss, defense with Noble, and transition with Flint. Back to offense, so we’ll take Scott Jones.
Daniel: OK, we’re over to the Vancouver Raven- sorry Doug. I keep doing that. It’s the Washing- sorry again. I’ll get this right. The Vancouver Stealth.
Doug Locker: No problem George, took me a few days to get over it. With the 8th pick, the Washing- um, I mean the Vancouver Stealth will take Cody Bremner. George, you can edit that out in post anyway, right?
Daniel: Yes, nobody is listening to this part. When we go live I’ll fix it up. Terry, you have the last pick of the first round.
Terry Sanderson: Hey, that guy at the back there that looks kind of like a cross beween Dion Phaneuf and Paul Rabil? We’ll take him. Great lacrosse player plus Toronto hockey captain? How can you go wrong?
Bruce Urban: Paul who? Never heard of him.
Derek Keenan: Yes you have, remember last year when we did that deal with Vancou- I mean Washington?
Urban: NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
Daniel: OK, what’s your name, son?
Ethan O’Connor: I’m Ethan O’Connor, sir. But why is everyone getting confused on the location of the Stealth?
Daniel: Welcome to the NLL, Ethan.
This should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. This is entirely fictional and tongue-in-cheek. I am not implying in any way that George Daniel, John Arlotta, Steve Govett, or any of the other NLL executives are anything less than intelligent professionals with far more lacrosse knowledge than I could ever hope to have. It’s just funnier if we pretend they’re not.
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