Category Archives: Funny

What you need to know to win in the playoffs

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Only one team can win the Championship and given both the parity in the NLL this year and the one-and-done playoff format, it’s possible for anyone who makes the playoffs to win it all. So far, nobody has been eliminated from the playoff race, and it’s looking more and more like that outcome won’t be decided until the final weekend. Every team has their strengths and weaknesses, and opposing teams will be focussing on how they can exploit those weaknesses. What will it take for each team to reach the pinnacle of the NLL, and what will it take to shut each team down?

Calgary Roughnecks

The Roughnecks have to make sure their offense isn’t neutralized by a tough defense. Because all you have to do to be successful against the ‘Necks is shut down Shattler and Ranger and Dickson and Veltman and Evans and Dobbie and Conway and Toth and Snider and Cornwall. Once you’ve done that, all you have to do is score a bunch of goals on the best defense in the league and you’re golden.

Colorado Mammoth

Obviously, this year’s MVP favourite John Grant needs to be the focus for opposing teams. The Mammoth have proven that they can win without him but in the playoffs, his presence is vital. This is, of course, assuming that he’s not out rescuing kittens from trees, reducing crime in the greater Denver area, performing delicate life-saving surgery, or leaping tall buildings in a single bound.

Edmonton Rush

If you’re defending against the Rush in the playoffs, get near the Rush player with the ball. Then remind him that he plays for a team based in the “City of Champions” and as such, he has a high standard to uphold. His uncontrollable laughter should allow you to strip the ball from him for a quick transition chance.

Minnesota Swarm

Many people picked the Swarm to miss the playoffs because of all the unproven rookies on the team, but those rookies have played better than anyone expected. Now they have to see if they can handle the pressures of the NLL playoffs. But first they have to get their social studies homework finished and get some work done on those science fair projects. Good thing the games don’t happen on school nights.

Washington Stealth

Whispering “Bruce Urban” when standing close to Athan Iannucci should get him rattled and reduce his effectiveness. Also, if the game goes to overtime, pretty much your only chance is to go all Tonya Harding on Rhys Duch.

Buffalo Bandits

John Tavares is 43, and so this may be his last season in the NLL. I’m sure his teammates would love to see him go out the way Bob Watson did, winning a Championship in his last game, so they’ll be playing extra hard for JT. Of course, many people have wondered “Is this Tavares’ last season?” for about five years now, and the way he played this year, the pressure to win now “for JT” is reduced. They might consider “win now for Darris”. Actually, they might want to think about “Win now for everyone but JT” because if they don’t win this year, he may be the only current Bandit left on the roster next season.

Philadelphia Wings

Shutting down the strong right side of the Wings’ offense is the key to beating the Wings, so you need to send your biggest, strongest defenders out against them. When they’re facing the likes of Crowley, Dawson, and Westervelt, have your defenders just pound on their kneecaps until they fall down, then tie them to the ground with ropes.

Rochester Knighthawks

The Knighthawks have five players listed at 175 pounds or less. Kedoh Hill is listed at just 150. Mounting a strong fan behind your goalie should keep them from getting in too close, but NLL regulations may prevent that. Just get out there and use your body against them, they should be easy to push around. Unless you get too close to Sid Smith or Craig Point or, God forbid, Tim O’Brien. Note: if using this strategy, stay the hell away from Jake Henhawk.

Toronto Rock

I know I’m a Rock fan, but I’m going to be completely objective here. The key to shutting the Rock down is Stephen Leblanc. He was the 2010 Rookie of the Year and also had a great 2011 campaign, and if John Grant wasn’t having such a great season, who knows how many MVP votes Leblanc might have gotten this year. He’s the real backbone of the Rock offense, and all opposing defenders should really focus on him and ignore everyone else. Especially Doyle. And Billings – totally leave him open alone.

Guest columnist Jackie Harvey looks at the NLL from the outside

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NLL Chatter readers are in for a real treat today. The long-time entertainment columnist for The Onion, Jackie Harvey, has agreed to do a special guest column. Mr. Harvey, as it turns out, is also a lacrosse fan and so when I approached him to write a guest column, he was excited to share his love of lacrosse with us. As you will see, Mr. Harvey has just as much insight into the NLL as he does in the world of entertainment.

Jackie HarveyGreetings NLL Chatter readers! I was very excited when Graham asked me to write a column on one of my favourite sports, lacrosse! In fact, I attended Viterbo University in guess where? La Crosse, Wisconsin! Oddly though, we didn’t have a lacrosse team. But I’ve been a big lacrosse fan ever since the Los Angeles Storm of Anaheim played near here all those years ago. I’m also a soccer fan like many people in the Los Angeles area. I mean, our local soccer team, the Galaxy, even signed a player named Beckam after the success of the movie Bend it like Beckam! How’s that for catering to your local movie fans?

Anyway, back to lacrosse. I haven’t been to a game since the Storm left town, but I understand there’s another team up in the Silicone Valley area. I imagine they’re doing well, because if there’s one thing we Californians love, it’s our local sports teams!

Item! There are two brothers named Josh and Phil Sanderson who both play for the Toronto Rocks. What are the odds that two brothers would end up on the same team? That’s like that situation in baseball a few years ago when that team (I don’t follow baseball so I don’t remember who it was, but it might have been one of the Sox teams) had two guys named “Martinez”.

Speaking of the Toronto Rocks, how cool is it that they have a guy named Matt Rock playing for them?

A little known fact about the NLL: almost half of the teams have names that don’t end in “s”. They are the Stealth, the Swarm, the Rush, and the Mammoth. If I was going to name a team after an extinct elephant, I might have gone with the Denver Mastadons. “Mastadon” sounds cooler than Mammoth because it has an extra syllable. But then again, it does end in “s”, and that’s not hip enough for the NLL. That’s not how this league rolls, baby! They keep teams like the Wings and Bandits around because they’re old and I guess they have been “grandfathered” so they don’t have to change their name to something hip and trendy. But watch out for the next team to join the league – it’ll probably have a cool name that ends in “x” or something!

I keep reading about the “trannys” in the NLL, and I have no problem with that. How they live their lives off the field is their own business. But I really think the media should just leave their personal lives out of it and concentrate on how they play during the game!

You know where they should hold the NLL All-star game? Alaska. Why Alaska? Because it’s cold in Alaska, and lacrosse is played mostly by Canadians, and Canadians are used to the cold. Also, there aren’t any sports in Alaska except the Idiot-a-rod (which has a really insulting name!), so they would probably like to see some different ones.

Item! It turns out that Beau Jackson is not the only multi-sport athlete around! Buffalo Bandits player John Tavares also plays hockey for the New York Rangers. Since both sports are played in the winter, I don’t know how he handles days when both teams play, but maybe the Bandits have arranged for their games to be in the afternoon while the hockey games are in the evening. Both teams are in New York so that should help, but he’ll be in trouble if he’s ever traded out west!

I’ve seen a few news stories recently about the NALL, which I assume is supposed to be short for NAtional Lacrosse League. Note to management: you really should make sure you keep your short forms consistent.

Well, thanks again to Graeme for letting me share my thoughts on lacrosse with all of you. Since we don’t have a team here in southern California anymore, I’ll go with the next closest team and say go Arizona Stingers!

Quidditch vs. lacrosse

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I’m a fan of the Harry Potter books and film series, so I smiled when I saw Melissa Dafni’s article on ProSportsColorado.com saying that “Scott Evans is the Draco Malfoy of lacrosse”. While I’m not sure the comparison is quite accurate (they both talk a good game and act tough but when it comes down to it, Malfoy is a coward while I wouldn’t say that about Evans) (especially if he’s nearby), it started me thinking, and then of course I had to run with it. So here you go, the NLL cast of the Harry Potter universe.

Kevin Crowley Harry Potter – Kevin Crowley. He is the Chosen One and everyone believes we can expect great things from him. Thus far, he has not disappointed.

Ron Weasley – Connor Martin. Not as talented as those he hangs out with, but kinda funny.

Hagrid – Has to be the 6’10” David Morgan.

Professor Dumbledore – John Tavares. The oldest and wisest guy around, but still one of the best with a stick in his hand.

Sirius Black – Geoff Snider. Everyone thinks he’s a psycho, but really he’s just a big loyal puppy dog.

Cedric Diggory – Shawn Williams. One of the most talented guys around, and very likeable too. Is also a vampire. No, wait…

Seamus Finnigan – Tim O’Brien. Just put him in and watch as things explode.

Mad-Eye Moody – Troy Cordingley. Really good at what he does and very well respected, but seems grumpy all the time.

Professor Snape – The NLL referees. Not well liked, but in the end, it takes guts to do what they do. Many think they’re secretly working for the other side.

Lord Voldemort – Yeah, I’m not going there.