Guest columnist Jackie Harvey looks at the NLL from the outside

NLL Chatter readers are in for a real treat today. The long-time entertainment columnist for The Onion, Jackie Harvey, has agreed to do a special guest column. Mr. Harvey, as it turns out, is also a lacrosse fan and so when I approached him to write a guest column, he was excited to share his love of lacrosse with us. As you will see, Mr. Harvey has just as much insight into the NLL as he does in the world of entertainment.

Jackie HarveyGreetings NLL Chatter readers! I was very excited when Graham asked me to write a column on one of my favourite sports, lacrosse! In fact, I attended Viterbo University in guess where? La Crosse, Wisconsin! Oddly though, we didn’t have a lacrosse team. But I’ve been a big lacrosse fan ever since the Los Angeles Storm of Anaheim played near here all those years ago. I’m also a soccer fan like many people in the Los Angeles area. I mean, our local soccer team, the Galaxy, even signed a player named Beckam after the success of the movie Bend it like Beckam! How’s that for catering to your local movie fans?

Anyway, back to lacrosse. I haven’t been to a game since the Storm left town, but I understand there’s another team up in the Silicone Valley area. I imagine they’re doing well, because if there’s one thing we Californians love, it’s our local sports teams!

Item! There are two brothers named Josh and Phil Sanderson who both play for the Toronto Rocks. What are the odds that two brothers would end up on the same team? That’s like that situation in baseball a few years ago when that team (I don’t follow baseball so I don’t remember who it was, but it might have been one of the Sox teams) had two guys named “Martinez”.

Speaking of the Toronto Rocks, how cool is it that they have a guy named Matt Rock playing for them?

A little known fact about the NLL: almost half of the teams have names that don’t end in “s”. They are the Stealth, the Swarm, the Rush, and the Mammoth. If I was going to name a team after an extinct elephant, I might have gone with the Denver Mastadons. “Mastadon” sounds cooler than Mammoth because it has an extra syllable. But then again, it does end in “s”, and that’s not hip enough for the NLL. That’s not how this league rolls, baby! They keep teams like the Wings and Bandits around because they’re old and I guess they have been “grandfathered” so they don’t have to change their name to something hip and trendy. But watch out for the next team to join the league – it’ll probably have a cool name that ends in “x” or something!

I keep reading about the “trannys” in the NLL, and I have no problem with that. How they live their lives off the field is their own business. But I really think the media should just leave their personal lives out of it and concentrate on how they play during the game!

You know where they should hold the NLL All-star game? Alaska. Why Alaska? Because it’s cold in Alaska, and lacrosse is played mostly by Canadians, and Canadians are used to the cold. Also, there aren’t any sports in Alaska except the Idiot-a-rod (which has a really insulting name!), so they would probably like to see some different ones.

Item! It turns out that Beau Jackson is not the only multi-sport athlete around! Buffalo Bandits player John Tavares also plays hockey for the New York Rangers. Since both sports are played in the winter, I don’t know how he handles days when both teams play, but maybe the Bandits have arranged for their games to be in the afternoon while the hockey games are in the evening. Both teams are in New York so that should help, but he’ll be in trouble if he’s ever traded out west!

I’ve seen a few news stories recently about the NALL, which I assume is supposed to be short for NAtional Lacrosse League. Note to management: you really should make sure you keep your short forms consistent.

Well, thanks again to Graeme for letting me share my thoughts on lacrosse with all of you. Since we don’t have a team here in southern California anymore, I’ll go with the next closest team and say go Arizona Stingers!


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